inner critic, go away; go jump off a cliff today. . . .

It's ridiculous that I just wrote a blog post justifying that yes, I am a writer, since now I feel so very iffy on that front. I know it has to do with the fact that I'm randomly depressed again, and that I just got a good critique (read, was not nice to my story in exactly the way it needed to be, and pointed out a lot of things I need to fix to make it work), so I feel like if I can't even write a story that makes sense, who am I to say I'm a writer?

But it was a Story a Day story. I wrote it in one day. I don't know why I can know that and admit it and not give myself credit. Because it feels like an excuse? Well, maybe it is, but maybe not all excuses are bad either. Or maybe I feel like I should have polished it more before group, but I did go over it, and that's what the group is for--pointing out problems I wouldn't notice. But I feel guilty for passing out a 'crappy' story that people had to actual put effort into their critiques for. Because that's not at all what we're doing in our writers' group, no--we just pass out already perfect stories and praise each other on how perfect they are! Idiot.

I don't know. I almost feel this is more personal journal rambling, but I said I'd blog more often, so here I am, in all my capacity for ridiculous sentences and angst. I mean, if I'm not a writer, it shouldn't bug me to feel like I'm not. If someone walked up to me and said I wasn't a lawyer, I wouldn't be offended. If someone said I wasn't a writer, I'd punch them in the face. With words, maybe. But when I say it to myself? I let it weigh me down. It's ridiculous.

I'm so sick of this low self-esteem. I just want to feel like the things I do are worthwhile. I keep questioning everything I do, to the point where I don't want to do anything anymore. And then my inner critic gets on me for wasting my time and being a useless lump. I feel guilty taking a break after eight hours of work, because 'there are more productive things I could be doing, and if I don't draw every single day with my own heart's blood I'll never be a better Illustrator and might as well just give up'. Okay, maybe not that over the top. But it was fun to write.

I don't know. I hope I'll feel better when I sleep on it.

--
Listening to: Krähenkönig by Subway to Sally. My playlist isn't changing much lately. Just the same Deutsch music all the time. I tend to do that--listen to one or two albums over and over again for weeks until I find a new music obsession, and they get added to the general random playlist.