direction

I really don't set much by my horoscope, but this whole thing about the signs changing has certainly set me to thinking (that and my astronomy class). I've always liked being an Aries: identifying with my inner fire, my stubbornness, my impatience. But after initially rejecting even the thought of being a Pisces (I'm no wishy washy fish; I'm a ram!) I took a better look at what the sign actually was, and the first thing I saw was "You're definitely a dreamer, Pisces". The first and foremost way that I identify myself is 'a dreamer'. So now I'm conflicted. I really do like the idea of being an Aries, a fiery redhead heroine, but I know that deep down at the center of my secret self, I'm really less aggressive than I act in public. So maybe I'm both? That makes me imagine a shape-shifting fish-ram. Anyway, it's something to consider at least. Again, not that I really place much faith in my horoscope, but they've been oddly true lately (both Pisces and Aries, actually).


Maybe looking for direction with my horoscope is just a desperate attempt to figure out who I am. I mean, I know who I am, but I don't know about the 'me' I present to the world; It's hard for me to define who I am in relation to other people. Of course, that's probably because the real me would be perfectly happy being a hermit and never leaving the house, but the real me also has a bad tendency towards loneliness, despite wanting to be left alone much of the time. I think the real me is broken, but if so, I think I strangely like being broken. Today I had a perfect moment where I was sitting alone in a cold courtyard, with the naked trees and winter slanted sun and pidgeons flying overhead, curled up in a corner listening to Exile by Enya. If I could, I would go back to that moment in an instant. I think I would pick it even over some of the more fun group activities I've been to in the past few days, because I was utterly the mournful dreamer, and the moment meant so much more to me than noise and bustle. It's kind of pathetic how overly dramatic I just naturally seem to be.

Anyway, today wasn't the best of days. But at least I was honest to myself, and to someone I care a lot about. On another note, I totally forgot to log into ravelry for the past week, despite knowing the Alice in Wonderland swap shipping deadline was coming up on the 20th, so by grace of me being swamped by school and never exchanging my address, I'm now out of that. But I think I'm okay with that; it was causing me stress, because I didn't have much for a complete package to swap (all I had was one large knitted/crocheted project, plus a few small things), and I have no money to get more and no time to make more. So now my partner is set up to swap with someone else; I'm glad I didn't screw up her fun with this. But it's days like this I just want to withdraw from the world and disappear utterly, then come back when no one remembers me anymore, to have a fresh start. Strangely enough, that matches my tarot for today (another thing I don't really believe in, but feel like it's been oddly right, despite just being a silly app on my new phone).

I drew the Tower for the Love option, and the Fool for my mood, and it gave me this reading: "Confusing reigns in your love life, dear Danica. Faced with the storm that threatens to engulf you, you're dreaming of turning on your heels and running far away from your familiar surroundings to a place where no one knows you and nobody hassles you. The alliance of the Fool and the Tower indicates an irrepressible desire for freedom. Go on, run for it!" And boy, do I want to. :/


Just for fun, here's what the description for Pisces says; sound like anyone you know? "Pisceans adapt emotionally to their environment. Often painfully shy, they are adept at imitating the mannerisms of other people in order to hide their own personalities. A Piscean can too easily become a victim by identifying with the personality and problems of other people, because this severely restricts the development of their own personality and talent."

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Listening to: Exile by Enya, again. I really think this is one of my favorite songs. I identify so much with it, because I've come to accept that my overly dramatic depressing self is a large part of what makes me 'the dreamer' me. Besides, I think that pain and loneliness can express so much more than action and joy. Maybe I am just broken. Well, if I am, it's by my own choosing.